Like Water to Chocolate

I like using random blog titles, as you can see above. Seriously, what on earth does that even mean? It’s the name of a movie, but a movie that I’m sure I won’t ever watch, so I’m quite sure I’ll never know what that phrase refers to. Now down to the point.

I’ll come right out and say it: I’m biased. More importantly, I like stuff and I like people who give me stuff (hint hint). That being said, I also have no qualms about dissing the daylights out of something that bugs me. People, for example, who call into NPR to express their opinion on a particular matter, yet their opinion is actually a seven minute disquisition with no culminating point… yeah, that sort of thing bugs me.

So let that be my disclaimer.

The following is a review of the Two Johns Podcast Espresso roast coffee. I’ll begin with the conclusion (which is actually sound advice that I would probably provide no matter what I truly think of this coffee): try some yourself.coff

The Two Johns Podcast espresso coffee is simply named “The Espresso.” That, my friends, is a very bold statement. That would be like calling myself The Ted King… which I have been known to do, but only in jest. See, we all know that my dad is a Ted King and that there is some soap opera actor also lucky enough to be graced with the name Ted King. He has Hollywood on his side, which is likely why he has snagged the first result when you Google “Ted King.” However, right below that it reads, “Dream. Think. Act. Study.” If I were in his shoes, I would instead write, “I. Am. An. Dolt.” Yes, an… it’s called irony.

THE Espresso is nearly as bold as the other Ted King’s four-word-all-verb biography, so after a quick throw-up in my mouth while thinking about that paragraph, I needed a chaser. Namely, good coffee.

It’s worth pointing out that I have a really crappy espresso machine. I got it when a friend of mine (hi Katie) thought she could skip a few steps in making a latte by putting milk into the water reservoir. When that figuratively and nearly literally blew up in her face, she bought me a new one of equal or lesser value. The first was probably worth $50 while the second was probably in the $48 range. I’m pretty sure it’s the exact same one the folks at Starbucks burn your coffee with.

But while a good carpenter doesn’t blame his tools, a good barista/baristo like myself doesn’t blame his ghetto-blasting espresso machine for how the coffee turns out. So it was time to make the coffee.

Before opening the bag, I was pleased to see that the level of vacuum packing borders on extraordinary. Like, there is NOOOO air whatsoever in the bag. I’ve heard every method under the sun of keeping coffee beans fresh – coincidentally all except storing them under the under sun – but I am 100% certain that sucking all the air out of the bag will work as good as any of them. Additionally, I like the austerity of the label. Clean and well organized. No flashy flash, just short and sweet… like a fine espresso. Next, upon opening the ruggedly silver Two Johns espresso, I was struck by the smell of… well, coffee beans. Duh. I’m no food critic, so don’t expect any worthy food criticisms here. Yup, it smelled great!

My grinder costs more than my coffee maker, so the grinding process really is the highlight of my coffee making experience. After turning the beans into a near powder-like consistency, I then put the ground beans into the coffeefiltrationespressomakingdevice. Next, I put some water into the water area (Katie, this step is key), then pressed go.img_0917Note the fine crema. Pretty good, but not yet perfect. Yeah, this machine is like a really good cat II.

For his birthday last year, I gave my BFF a sweet shirt. See below. It oozes style and class and I swear it’s a babe magnet.boulder-cup-004

I bring this up because my BFF noticed that I borrowed his travel mug every day and he therefore offered me the best pre-Christmas present a BFF could offer – yes, his travel mug!img_0921

Like a true coffee connoisseur, I know that a fine espresso is complimented perfectly by some steamy-frothy milk. So I did it.img_0927And then I drank it and it was delicious.


Drinkability: 5/5
Tasteability: 5/5
Earthiness: 5/5
Complexity: 5/5
Arbitrariness: 5/5
Buoyancy: 5/5
Zestiness: 5/5

That, my friends, is a perfect score.

So to summarize once again, you should try the Two Johns Podcast The Espresso. It is their only espresso roast, so I guess it’s safe to say in truth it is THE espresso.

Being completely serious for just one second: these John guy are awesome and so is their coffee. Try it and I’m pretty sure you’ll love it. I do.


  1. iamtedking

    Thanks Adam for pointing out Water to Chocolate: Apparently it is sexual reference. Hubba hubba.

  2. elena

    dare I say it; I thought the movie was excellent (watched it about 15 yrs ago) you might enjoy it

  3. cosmo

    Moka pot (the thingy in the Embrocation logo). Costs less than an espresso machine. Makes really, really good pseudo-espresso on the stovetop (provided you get the right grind, which sounds like it won’t be a problem).

  4. iamtedking

    Speaking of my score’s arbitrariness, I just bought a cup of coffee and asked if the coffee is a dark roast. She said no, it’s heavy. I should have (but didn’t) reply, “I’m sorry, I’m not stoned. What the F does ‘heavy’ mean?!”

  5. nate horton

    Hmmm. ok Ted King, Expresso is a rather subjective thing, whouldn’t you say? So why the F*** should anyone care what you have to say about it. Get a clue!


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