Nature is taking it’s toll on me. Just one day after nearly losing my life to nature’s most ferocious mammal, I suffered yet another fright. This one probably took a half dozen years off my life because it ended up being a two for one. As I elaborate on this story, I want you to really try to put yourself in my shoes and empathize with me. On a side note, I should point out that I’m terrified of spiders. So in true form, even if you’re not scared of spiders I want you to pretend that they’re the worst things in the world and then you’ll get a greater appreciation of this adventure.
So there I am driving my car down the road. I was in the midst of a mini-road trip that included 4 hours in the car. I had just gnoshed some carrots and needed some agua to wash down the reminents. I reached down to my waterbottle, grabbed said waterbottle (all the while diligently looking ahead at the highway passing in front of me at 73mph), brought the waterbottle to my mouth, and felt something inside my mouth. It felt much like straw or grass or lint on the mouthpiece between my lower front teeth and under my tongue. So I drew the waterbottle away from my mouth and my eyes peered down towards my hand which was clutching the waterbottle, which is precisely when I saw THE BIGGEST SPIDER I’VE SEEN IN YEARS!
As much as I’d like to say that I let out a manly guttural yell, I will defer to the truth and say that it was a terribly feminine ear-piercing shriek. The tarantula jumped into my lap then onto the floor and scurried quickly under my seat. I yanked hard on the steering wheel and pulled my car over to the side of the highway, quickly jumped out and looked frantically for the spider. Mind you, my car is fairly full with a whole plethora of junk for this road trip, so manipulating the seat position is not very easy, and I’m therefore not able to investigate very well where the spider is hiding… and probably laying eggs.
Allow me to explain the two main reasons why this is so scary for me:
1) Much like a shark to blood, a spider can smell fear.
2) While a bear’s kill-to-size ratio is frightening, a spider’s is astronomically higher. A spider is about one 17,000th the size of a bear and twice as lethal, so roughly 34,000 times deadlier than a bear.
Unable to find the spider and unhappy that I’m parked on a blind spot of the highway, I hesitantly got in the car and drove the remaining hour to my destination… thankfully sans spider puncture wounds.
Once out of the car, I unloaded the junk, moved the car seat enough to begin moving some of the stuff around the seat. Mayo was with me at this point, unimpressed by my lackluster story and not expecting to find any wild arachnids, right when I lifted a CD case there stood the eight-legged monster. After regaining my wits and explaining to Mayo that I am actually quite masculine despite my shrieks, I removed my shoe and pummeled the spider into a gooey mess.
Score for the week…
1 point for the bear
1 point for the smog
2 points for the spider
4 points for Teddy for surviving all of these near death experiences. In your face nature!