T U S B!

The following is a paid advertisement for the “Toughen Up Sissy Boy” training program:

Are you tired of coming home after long rides knowing that you’ll still have feeling in your toes?!

Are you annoyed that you don’t run the risk of hypothermia on your training rides because the weather is too boringly nice?!

Don’t you hate not getting sprayed by the filthy, icy, slush in the road by vehicle traffic?

Doesn’t it bother you knowing that your brakes and shifting work properly and safely?

Are you just dying to learn what the “Aero Ice Faring” is?!

Well I’m here to introduce you to the revolutionary training program: Toughen Up Sissy Boy, or as I refer to it… Tusb! Here in New England where Tusb was originally developed, we embrace our snowy cold winters. Instead of heading for warmer climates when the thermometer reads in the single-digits, we simply work with the weather we’re given and then thrive with it.

The first step of Tusb is to completely lose feeling in your far extremities – your fingers and toes. As seen here in this picture, my feet are encased in ice! They’re like an ice cube on my feet… or ice-cube-feet! Ha ha ha. Not only does this permanently destroy feeling in your fingers and toes thereby lessening the agony of the waning hours of a long bike race, the added weight with the ice build-up creates just the right resistance you need for your strength building phase of training. Booya!

Now that feeling has been destroyed in your fingers, it’s not as though you need working brakes and shifting anyway, right?! As seen here, with enough snowy build up, your brakes will be rendered useless so that stopping is not something you need to waste your prescious mind thinking about. After all, there’s probably snow on the ground anyway, so crashing would be more pleasant than disasterous. Additionally, shifting is slowly eliminated with the proper icy cling. You’ll notice that the number of gears available to you slowly widdle down so that ultimately your derailleurs and cables are frozen, making your bike into a singlespeed… Ideal for winter training! Booya!

Continuing with the proper component selection, the third step of Tusb deals with wind resistance to strengthen your cardiovascular fitness. Bladed spokes that cut through the wind are sooooo last year. With the 2007 season around the corner, Tusb is the first company in the cycling industry to offer ANIT-Aerodynamic Spokes! With just the right build up of icy road grime on your spokes, you can get bladed spokes that are 90 degrees in the wrong direction for proper aerodynamacy! The spokes you see here have just over a half inch of ice build up that run directly into the wind. The harder you have to ride, the faster you get. Always… That’s my motto! Booya!

Lastly… the Aero Ice Faring. Everyone at Interbike and Eurobike was talking about it, but the public has been kept out of the loop. After years of painstaking research and development, Tusb is introducing the only aerodynamic faring that slowly builds up on your bike the longer you ride! Using the same technology found in the ANTI-Aerodynamic Spokes, your bike will gradually build a faring system on the back of every piece of tubing on your bike. This beauty of a picture is from the fork legs. Our research analysts at Tusb have calculated that over the course of a 40km icy time trial, you will save 0.006773 seconds! That’s remarkable! Booya!

With this program you will learn these and other outstanding tricks, like how to pick the perfect puddles to ride through for optimal bodily cooling! If you feel that you’re not fulfilling your riding potential, please contact Tusb by leaving a comment below.



  1. Huck

    Dude! Is that for real? Or did you leave your bike outside overnight?! Here i am complaining 100 degrees is too hot… The offer is still there to come to Oz, i mean we are still hard here, going water-less, but we run out of water in the biddon, it doesn’t freeze to stop us drinking it!

  2. iamTedKing

    We at Tusb never exaggerate. Everthing you’ve seen is 100% authentic. With just one phone call to Tusb, you can learn these fun training tricks!

  3. ryank


    Go New England.

    My personal TUSB trainer recommends growing a beard so that when it becomes caked in ice around your mouth, your body has to work TWICE as hard to pull air in through the mess of ice!

    Plus, by breathing in air that is already below 20 degrees AND is further chilled by ice around your mouth, your lungs become EVEN STRONGER as they struggle to deal with air temperatures that can usually cause damage!

    New England fucking rules.

  4. Zoo

    OMG, classic.

  5. Robbie King

    You and TUSB are BA MoFo’s. I thought it was rough in the rugged mountains, but we do not believe in frostbite. Royal we, of course.

    Word to your frost.

  6. Anonymous

    I’ve heard of TUSB. It’s been a dull roar at times – people talking and even gossiping about it in the physiology and biomechanics labs. I’m surprised you’re not selling it though! “For a limited time only, TUSB is available for $19.99 and guaranteed to toughen you up, make you sterile and kill you – if you’re one of the lucky ones!”

    – I think this is your best entry yet Ted….You’re the man!

  7. Huck

    Does your speedo work if it is frozen?

  8. iamTedKing

    Yup. In fact, I get to go twice as fast! Booya.

  9. Huck

    I guess TUSB makes you harder and faster then (-dual meaning??)! You can do an update now, we’ve seen how hard you are mate, i need a new update to read now! Please get me one out before Christmas, as a prezzie! Also, 9 COMMENTS!!!!

  10. Thor

    Nice. Next time I feel like complaining – I’ll think TUSB. That ought to get me through the remaining 3 hours of a ride. So, does your TUSB program prevent the dreaded aussie SC? Cause that would be nice.
    Happy Holidays, dude!

  11. Richard England

    im feel really sorry for the weather that you guys have to put up with. Like Tommy said, it has been sweet training weather here. We get the best of both worlds…..summer all year, it tough, but somebody has to do it. Hope you had a good Christmas….say hey to the fam (which includes Mayo)
    *back hand slap*

  12. Pingback: TUSB comes of age | MissingSaddle

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